find what you love and let it kill you - charles bukowski 

Cleaning

Cleaning is a pain. I have such a hard time with it sometime as I can become so distracted with all of the trinkets I have collected. It is fortunate that I have so much stuff, but on the other hand it begins to control you if you are not careful.

screens

I have come to the realization that I have too many screens.
am I going to do anything about this?
no...
I am just another wrapped up in the false, simulacra of this world.
all in the same room I have :

• a computer
• tablet
• laptop
• smartphone

the plugs indeed run deep.
this reminds me of the allegory of the cave, with so many representations and fantasy worlds at our fingertips it is too easy for me to allow myself to become disconnected from the world (with the irony that I have become more connected to the internet). am I any more happy or self actualized as a person because of this? arguable no.
am I better off because of this technology? questionable.
I am glad that I have come to this realization. now to just actualize this realization is another problem in itself.

not an act but a habit

just finished watching "jiro dreams of sushi" on netflix with dad and found it to be very inspiring and interesting. the film chronicles the life of a top tier sushi chef in Tokyo and his strive for excellence, which when brought to a level as his is infectious.
I am inspired by his constant dedication and focus in his work, how is genuine lobe of what he does channels into excellence in his life. through his constant and diligent hard work he has attained a degree of excellence that stands in contrast to the mediocrity of the world around him. his work is inspiring to me to achieve even a small degree of his excellence in my life and stands as a role model to me. definitely a movie to watch again when inspiration is needed in the future. as for now I am struck in awe and thought as to how I can achieve excellence in my life. am I missing opportunities for excellence in my life? where is excellence in my life? at what cost should I strive for excellence?
I am reminded of the quote by Aristotle that

"We are what we repeatedly do . . . excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit."

what habits do I have the bar me from achieving excellence?
this is something I will have to give some thought...

Business

Are businesses successful due to the genuine ingenuity and utility of their business model or to the willingness of their employees to compromise.

Photo roll

winter

thoughts come to me.
it has been overdue for an update of my comings, goings, and thoughts that I feel at this time compelled to share.
fall semester is over and with it the bittersweet feeling of accomplishment and failure to live up to certain expectations. accomplishment because I have finally finished my anatomy class strong. So much I have learned and appreciate of anatomy. I have come to respect this study but also to yearn for more knowledge, knowledge of not the fancy "official nomenclature" that I have racked my brain over, but a thirst of the how things work.
failed expectations of my failed math class. yet another black mark on my transcript. the third so far. spring semester I return for my mathematical penance.
but to top it all off I have been accepted (barring external forces) to be a student teaching assistant for the anatomy lab program at UVU. this is an experience I look forward to as I will reinforce and expand my anatomical knowledge as a teach and assist the learning of anatomy. I am looking forward for the opportunity to teach peers as it has become something that I think I rather enjoy doing, yet it will stretch me as I will have to meet expectations that are unknown to me as of yet.

holiday break
thankful for the time to recuperate and pursue leisure at my pleasure for a change. I have managed to keep a decent sleeping schedule despite my habitual nocturnal affinities. company has not been too far thankfully and have kept loneliness at bay for the most part.
Christmas brought familial friction as things have not improved between mom and dad, I am just thankful for a wonderful brother that I have. I get teary eyed just thinking about his return to alabama with elisa. looking forward to heading to the south rim of the grand canyon with dad tomorrow. hopefully it will be a good time for us to have. updates to come of our adventures.

new year
I cant decide if new years resolutions are a good thing or a bad thing for me, just another exercise in futility. its not that I feel restricted in my capacity for change but that change is so difficult to enact in ones life. not because of ones inability but of ones own tendency to fallow the known and trodden path.
things I wish to change to avoid the slide into mediocrity

• become more open and sharing. this is something that I would like to change as I tend to have a hard time with it. being reserved is simply a more natural state for me but it limits the human interaction that I need to grow.
• serve more. I remember fondly of the opportunities I had to serve,namely my experience working with nick in the special needs class at timpview. the time we shared together I think were beneficial for both of us and for me made me a more compassionate and patient person. a reminder that my life is to be lived to the fullest with excellence and virtue in abundance.
• diet. this is something that I have slacked on this past semester as I more than would like to admit found solace from the pressures of school and work in food rather than in facing them with constructive matters.having a good diet, regular exercise means abundance of joy and tranquility in my life. not having the feeling of strength and vitality through diet and exercise means unhappiness is sure to follow.

thanks for listening...

Bike rides and finals

Just got back from a short but fairly rigorous bike ride and man let me tell you I feel GREAT. taking a break from studying to go for a ride was the best decision i have made in a while. It always amazes me how good I feel after a fast ride like this.
I need to make the time to do these things more often.

More updates to come soon.

soticism

came across an interesting post on reddit discussing the characteristics of a stoic and thought them to be interesting enough to share them here.

mentioned are the criteria for what a stoic is, or more importantly the characteristics of a stoic

• the "Sufficiency Thesis": virtue is the only good

• the "Indifferents Thesis": externals do not affect human happiness

• the "Herculean Thesis": a life with hardship is preferable to an easy life

• the "Rationality Thesis": one should attempt to remove (not moderate) the "wrong sort of emotional activity"

• the "Oikeiotic Thesis": virtue entails realizing (both in the senses of understanding and becoming) ones place in the universe as a whole, and helping other to do the same

and further

• a cluster of doctrines traceable to the central elements of classical Stoicism

• eudaimonistic: happiness, flourishing, and excellence all entail each other

• intellectualistic: virtue and reason are identical 

• naturalistic: "facts about the natural world" are the "substance of practical deliberation"

• a "profound formal unity of the virtues"

• an emphasis on the "full particularity" of each individual, and each persons role on the "grand system of nature."

• an emphasis on self-mastery

Politics, like religion, is a topic where there's no threshold of expertise for expressing an opinion. All you need is strong convictions.

As a rule, any mention of religion on an online forum degenerates into a religious argument. Why? Why does this happen with religion and not with Javascript or baking or other topics people talk about on forums?

What's different about religion is that people don't feel they need to have any particular expertise to have opinions about it. All they need is strongly held beliefs, and anyone can have those. No thread about Javascript will grow as fast as one about religion, because people feel they have to be over some threshold of expertise to post comments about that. But on religion everyone's an expert.

Breakfast of champs

The Adventures of Accordo from Jeff Nixon on Vimeo.

Didn't make it up to get to school before 1.
I need to get back on track with my studies. It's just really tough that I have lost motivation to study anatomy. I know I am capable its just come down to rote memorization rather than a desire to learn. I can't stop now. I can't give up. I have invested too much time for me to just stop and give up. 
I still have the rest of the day to salvage my mistakes. I am not going to feel guilty about this as that just sucks my motivation.  I am going to be proactive about doing what it takes to make the grade. I can't let myself become distracted or down on mistakes.
Just head down and study.

Yet another wasted night spent surfing the net.
I have too much to study to be goofing off so much.  I am trying not to be negative about this.
Stayed up too late to make it to school. 
Goal for tomorrow: get to school before 1pm!

Ukiyoe Heroes

such a cool video! apparently this this dude in provo (jed henry) posted a wildly succsesful kickstarter campaign where his original prints of videogame characters are reimagined as traditional japanese woodblock prints.
I love seeing this process and would be interested to try it out for fun sometime. this video really shows a great craftsman at work.
really inspires me to waste less time as spend more time crafting!

here is the original kickstarter campaign video that shows more of the work

Homework

Midterm scores

Lecture midterm was last night and the scores and average were posted today.
Midterm was out of 40 points.
The average was 33%
I got a 72.5%
Feel OK about that.

Goals for today

Finish topographic anatomy lab homework.
Study for next weeks lab
Start anatomy material for next week.
Go to collective meeting.
Order new tubes
In bed before midnight.

Snowed for this first time this season. Just a little dusting nothing too much in fact it just started raining.

Midterm results

Got my lab midterm results back.
Did pretty average.
Whole anatomy class of fall was around 65%
My individual class was around 70%
I got a 72%

Could have had a few extra points if I hadn't changed my initial answer. Which means I should listen to my gut more than my brain.

Anything in the world

Been trying to answer a question lately and I  am having trouble finding the answer.
I often ask myself "if I could do anything in the world, what would I do"
And for the life of me I can't really put my finger on what I would do.
Maybe its because I  am not thinking out of the box enough or thinking creatively.
Maybe I really am doing what I want to do. But that can't be it cause I don't find it the most enjoyable thing.
maybe I need to work on exposing myself to new things.
But where do I start?
Maybe I should just stick with what I am already doing and see where it takes me.

Self portrait

Taken while driving from Francis to Heber

I want this.

I want this.

but I still cant decide if it would be better than a nexus 7.
I still think I am more comfortable browsing with a mouse and keyboard 90% of the time than I am with a touch interface(is this going to be a sign of my generation? are younger generations going to be more comfortable with a touch interface?)
there are still alot of things that are better done in a browser than on a tablet these days

night ride home

for the first time in a while I had the feeling of riding fast.
I dont know if it was the extra wind blowing around or the cloak of night doing it
but it was awesome.

this is a somewhat recent picture of my bike. seatpost and seat clamp have since been upgraded

in other news:
I havent been to class in over two weeks.
and I dont feel bad about it at all which is the worst thing.
there are times when I wish I got up to do work at school, but never have I felt the need to attend lecture.
its going to be hard to break this habit. sleeping in is really nice but the time has come to change my ways.

I am not looking forward to retaking my math class.

as for another highlight I did meet my goals for the day and I have finished my questions for anatomy lecture and finished my homework for anatomy lab and started on the second half (the eye and ear were the focus of this weeks lab)

What are people for. A collection of essays by wendelberry

Midterms....

Had lab midterm on Saturday. Have to wait to see how I did. Studied for two days straight (at least that's what it felt like). Still trying to figure out if I am being lazy or not.
Am I lazy and just can't succeed in a school environment or am I actually slammed.
I think I just have a hard time doing things in a faster pace then I want. I just want to be able to do things on my terms. Or maybe I should just give up on trying to control things.

Been thinking about monks lately. It seems like an appealing life to not have the complications of modern life to deal with. I briefly considered what I could do to make my life more monk like. Ideas considered were to move into the collective and live there. I would be away from people and would have less of the distractions that I don't like in my life (food and internet).

I had the realization today that being in a relationship would probably do a lot of good things for ones confidence. To have some one be close and support you would make a lot of the stresses seem like less of a big deal.

Have a lecture midterm in anatomy I have to deal with this week. I can take it Thursday if I want to pay but hopefully I will be ready to take it Wednesday. I want to try and have a good portion of it reviews tomorrow so I can finish up on up on Wednesday and take it. 

Goals for tomorrow: finish anatomy objective for endocrine system. Finish eye anatomy lab homework.

on the salt flats

Riding the bus is good. It just reminds me of how much better it is to ride a bike.

Bus trip

Sitting on a bus on my way to uvu after work because my bike got a flat tire on my commute. This resulted in having to get dad to pick me up and take me to work. It really sucks when crap like this happens.  I feel like I should be more independent when I ride. If I am going to commute by bike I need to be able to handle situations like this better. 
Also I need to get a better understanding of how the bus system works so that I can take advantage of it when my bike is out of commission like this.
I am really starting to realize that I need a working bike no matter the costs. I am so much more stable and happy when I have a bike rolling. I miss having a bike that is a joy for me to ride. I want my fixed gear wheel to get here soon!

School feels like it is falling apart on me. I don't know what I am going to do...

I have realized that a problem of mine that I seem to have is that I get overwhelmed too easily. I seem to get the most work done in a space that exists between having enough work and too much. The problem is that when I get too much work I get overwhelmed, feel like I can't do it,  therefore I don't do it. I would like to learn more effective ways of dealing with this stress in positive ways.
Maybe I should read a book.

Bridge

I am really into this picture I took of a bridge I drove over while in San Francisco.

so glad to be home and have this whole nightmare over (well it wasnt THAT bad but still its nice to be home alive)
now I just need to figure out how to pay for this whole thing. I should have enough money, but for a trip I didnt even want to go on in the first place I dont want to spend alot of money.

now I have the rest of the week to worry about.
axial myology lab quiz on Tuesday that I havent even begun to study for....

a math test and anatomy lecture quiz on Wednesday....

and the anatomy lab midterm on Saturday....

I am so not excited for this.

I really wanted to have some downtime this weekend. instead I got to sit in a car for 12 hours to drive to a wedding and then 12 more hours to drive back.
I really dislike feeling this because I feel like I should be more supportive and excited for sam. but at the end of the day I am not going to see that guy again and I have a ton of school to get caught up on.

california wedding

Spent the past two days in Oakland California for Sam's wedding.  I have been kind of dragging my feet this whole trip due to the fact I have had a ton of school work to take care of.
Been stressed about school and ha king enough time to study then on top of that taking a break to drive 13hrs out to California for a wedding.
The drive out to California went with out a problem on Friday but Saturday things quickly went down hill. We drove Jakes car out to breakfast but on the way back to the hotel Jakes car broke down. The clutch became fried (cause Jake sucks at driving manual) and unable to shift leaving us in California with obligations to meet the coming Monday.
Scott pulled through and called his dad for AAA assistance to get us towed to the nearest Honda service center. We were lucky to have the majority of the parts to fix it up but the repairs were looking like it would take longer than a day meaning we would not leave until Tuesday morning.
This caused us to rent a car for our return trip.

All black

Been wearing all black lately and I kind of like the simplicity in my wardrobe.

Yesterday's highnote

Stripping my spoke nipple sucked but looking on the bright side there was one highlight yesterday.
After work I decided to stop by the collective and see how things were going (also to see if my mission workshop bag finally came. I didn't). Chris was working that shift and had been there all day and wanted to go grab a bite to eat. I stayed behind and watched the shop while he was gone.
Shortly after he left a gal came in from BYU wanting to do some interviews for the historical archives. She was interested in cycling in Utah and interviewed me about my experiences and thoughts of cycling. She asked me a range of questions from why I cycled, when I started, what I like about it, and a bunch of other things.
It will be interesting to see what makes it in to the books and how my statements will be interpreted by future generations.

Blegh.... stripped spoke nipple

Pretty bummed about this. I don't know where I went wrong and that is the thing that is bugging me the most. I wish I knew what I was doing so I could have avoided this fiasco all together, but I suppose that is the cost of learning.

I really can't wait for my new wheel to come. I have been dying to get back on my fixed gear.

Maybe I will just rebuild this wheel myself so I know in the future how to avoid this all together.

If only I had the time to rebuild this wheel.....

It is funny to me how I delude myself into thinking certain choices will make me happy.

After spending the day in bed I had some time to think about what life should be about. Things I want my life to be about.
I think life should be lived with vigor and curiosity. 
Life should be about learning.
And life should be enjoyed and *lived*
When I say enjoyed I don't want to be confused with pleasure. Pleasure is too seductive and intoxicating for me to let it guide my life.
But does this mean that happiness should guide my life? Lately my answer would be no, happiness is too fleeting and fickle to let guide your life. 
I find it easier to forego happiness in some cases. 

Still thinking about what I want this to be.  Lately I have been using it to record the mundane details of my life. But is that all a journal should be? Is there more that I should be writing? I Think that in the end as long as I am getting something down I am in the right track but there are some ideas floating around that I want to get posted here. 

School

Slept in again today. I think I need to start getting better sleep. Maybe taking melatonin supplements will help me out. 

Seasons: we are orbital. We will see the sun again.

Movie with mom

Went and saw "looper" with mom tonight. It was a good movie and it was good to get out of the house at least once today.

In bed all morning

Woke up for school this morning but I somehow ended up staying home in bed. Am I unhappy ? Is there some subconscious turmoil going on that I an unaware of?

Autobiography

I would like to read an autobiography. Learn from heroes of mine nuggets of wisdom to emulate in my life.
Zac liked teddy Roosevelt's autobiography. Maybe I should check it out too.
I have also thought about reading Issac Asimov autobiography.

Ahhh where to start....
Dad spoke with me about the situation with mom. His dissatisfaction and sadness with the whole situation makes me wall up my feelings.
I find it conflicting in situations like this that I don't feel much. I think it is a way I deal with the stress of it all. Just sit behind a wall of stoic indifference. Years of practice has made me a pro at this.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to feel. I mean *really* feel.
Between my indifference and my nature to avoid conflict I really don't want to do anything about the situation with mom and dad. Further I just find myself avoiding other opportunities in my life as well. It really isn't a good way to deal with problems.
I should start dating. But I don't want to feel. Rejection.

Photo roll

Here are some photos I took.
Reshared from my instagram feed

diary

I like the idea of a diary. to save and keep memories and ideas from my life. however I often struggle with feelings of anxiety. anxiety from letting too much information out. I feel more secure keeping the detail of my life secure. but on the other hand keeping and recording the doings of my life is also important to me. I would like to keep an online journal of sorts.
I feel more secure of keeping a private bogger account than a actual notebook as only I will be able to see it and it will be more private. (my writing sucks, but hopefully with time and confidence it will flow better and I will develop a more natural prose)

stay tuned for more

Carl Sagan's Reading List

http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2012/07/11/carl-sagan-reading-list/

I need to pick up a few of these from the library.

Photo roll

http://imgur.com/Mucnj

Photo roll